Birth Mom Missions

Poem to my Birth­mom by Patti Vinsison

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For all the Birth Mother's of Adop­tion out there...  You are loved!

With 2.2 Mil­lion adoptees in the world, and 87% from America...there are a lot of us out there!
Hey Birth Moms! Check out birthmom.blip.tv

and join Birth Mom Missions!

It is dif­fi­cult to gen­er­al­ize about the feel­ings or expe­ri­ences of all birth par­ents. Each has faced a unique expe­ri­ence and coped in his or her own way. A num­ber of birth par­ents have writ­ten per­sonal accounts of their expe­ri­ences in plac­ing their chil­dren for adop­tion; there are also a few research stud­ies of the expe­ri­ences of birth par­ents and the emo­tions that often linger long after the adop­tion. Cer­tain themes emerge in both types of lit­er­a­ture, includ­ing themes of loss, guilt, and res­o­lu­tion. As a frame­work for this dis­cus­sion, this fact­sheet explores the expe­ri­ences of birth par­ents by explor­ing some of these themes:

• The Responses to Adop­tion Place­ment sec­tion looks at feel­ings and expe­ri­ences that birth par­ents often describe, includ­ing grief over the loss, shame and guilt, iden­tity issues, and long-term emo­tional issues.
• The Gain­ing Con­trol and Res­o­lu­tion sec­tion explores ways of gain­ing con­trol of these feel­ings that have been use­ful for some birth parents.
• The Resources sec­tion includes a list of resources to help birth par­ents find fur­ther infor­ma­tion and to locate sup­port groups of indi­vid­u­als with sim­i­lar experiences.

Table of Contents

1 — Responses to Adop­tion Placement

2 — Gain­ing Con­trol and Resolution

3 — Resources

A Birth­par­ents Manifesto

* We rec­og­nize that the unique bio­log­i­cal con­nec­tion we have with our child cre­ates a respon­si­bil­ity to them. We real­ize that we are impor­tant in the life of our child. That even though we are not par­ent­ing, our role as birth­par­ents is sig­nif­i­cant. We under­stand that as our children's birth­par­ents there are going to be ques­tions only we can answer and that our love and con­cern can never be replaced by another.

* We rec­og­nize the impor­tance of nur­tur­ing the rela­tion­ships we have with both our child and his whole adop­tive fam­ily. In doing this, we honor his con­nec­tions and real­ize that the rela­tion­ships we have with his fam­ily mem­bers ulti­mately will effect him.

* We rec­og­nize adop­tion as a life long process, and that each age and stage our child goes through brings with it it's own unique set of needs, desires and ques­tions. We are open to what that may mean to us.

* We rec­og­nize our ongo­ing involve­ment with our child is a commitment.

* We accept our child as an indi­vid­ual. We delight in who he is and who he will become.

You will notice that I specif­i­cally left out the words arrange­ment and sit­u­a­tion, com­fort and priv­i­lege. Instead I used words like com­mit­ment and respon­si­bil­ity, honor and rela­tion­ships. These are the major dis­tinc­tions between child-centered open adop­tion and open adop­tion that is based on the needs and desires of birth­par­ents and adop­tive par­ents. All of us need to be aware that words we use effect our prin­ci­ples, and ulti­mately, our actions. If birth­par­ents believe that open adop­tion is in the best inter­est of the child, if we are aware of our respon­si­bil­i­ties, if we see the con­tact we have with our child and their par­ents as a rela­tion­ship, then we will be hon­est with the adop­tive par­ents if our grief is too much, we will be there for our child, even if the answers do not come easily.

If we are told that we should do what ever we are com­fort­able with, that our involve­ment mat­ters lit­tle to the child, that vis­its and con­tact our for our ben­e­fit alone, we are more likely to silently retreat when the pain over­whelms us, when we fear the next ques­tion, to agree when our fam­ily and friends say we are only hurt­ing ourselves.

WHY DO MOMS CRY SO MUCH?
“Why are you crying?” he asked his mom.
“Because I’m a mother” she told him
“I don’t understand,” he said
His mom just hugged him and said, “You never will”
Later the little boy asked his father why Mother seemed to cry for no reason.
“all mothers cry for no reason” was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why mothers cry. So
he finally put in a call to God and when God got on the phone the man said
“God, why do mothers cry so easily.”
God said, “You see son, when I made mothers they had to be special. I made
their shoulders strong enough to carry the weightof the world, yet gentle
enough to give comfort. I gave them an inner strength to endure childbirth
and the rejection that many times come from their children. “I gave them a
hardiness that allows them to keep going when everyone else gives up, and to
take care of their families through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave them the sensitivity to love their children under all circumstances,
even when their child has hurt them very badly. This same sensitivity helps
them to make a child’s boo-boo feel better and helps them share a teenager’s
anxieties and fears. I gave them a tear to shed. It’s theirs exclusively to
use whenever it is needed. It’s their only weakness. It’s a tear for mankind”.
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